I promised that I was going to be honest with myself and others on fatsecret.
PLEASE NOTE: I am not doing these entries for sympathy or even empathy. I am doing this so I can start being honest with MYSELF and that others can start being open and honest about themselves too; that is it REALLY ok to be honest. The support on FatSecret is so unbelievable. That I think it is really ok for us to share what is going on BEHIND the addiction to food!
I want to do this because I think there are so many of us that put up a front that everything is fine and dandy, because we dont want to be the gloom in the room!!! Well we all have gloom in our lives; some more than others. Part of most of us that are very overweight (present company included) uses food as comfort, if you want to admit it or not.
I was super skinny all my life. So skinny that I was teased for being too skinny. I was just a very active youngster doing all the sport I could possibly do, because NOW I realize that it was the only way I could "get out of the house". Born in 1973. Raised in the 80s. Our parents were as strict AF! I was never allowed to actually go anywhere, especially after my eldest sister fell pregnant at the age of 17; then my folks really turned on the heat on me. Besides the point. I was a skinny teen with no effort on my part and my weight didnt really matter to me at all. Then I had my son at 22 (1995) still remaining skinny. Had a nervous breakdown at the age of 25(1998) and THAT IS WHERE ALL THIS SHIT STARTED!!!!
I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years! And year after year I slowly but surely "grew". When my son was 9 (2004), lets just call him X, X moved to Nigeria and in 2011 I discovered ON THE INTERNET that he was married to someone else too; at that time they had already been married for 3 years.
WOW! You cannot make this shit up! Right after that awesome news, my father passed away unexpectedly in his sleep at the age of 60. As if that was not enough to deal with, mother (we had a very turbulent relationship all my life) ended up living with me. And then my little sister and her boyfriend ended up living with me too. This all while trying to raise my own VERY REBELLIOUS teenage son. My home was a total shit show!!!! Constant fighting between me and my mother, my mother and my son, my sister and her boyfriend. IT WAS ABSOLUTE CHAOS! Over and above all this I am going through a very nasty divorce and going from a R50 000 income to barely making it through the day. X bought a house in my name, credit cards etc etc etc. I had a successful photography business and was supporting EVERYBODY, because nobody is working except for me! I have 3 sisters. NOBODY is giving me any support regarding my mother and that is where I tail spinned into a life of constant drinking. I drank my business into the ashes.
2012 my mother passed away passed away unexpectedly from a bleeding ulcer in 2012. My divorce finally went through a week before my 40th birthday in 2013! 2013 was probably the worst year of my life. The drinking was constant and then I started dabbling with drugs too. I was so destructive and if I look back at my photographs it was probably the skinniest I was in years. That same year I met my current boyfriend. And sad to say that I KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM!!!!
End 2013 I started my current business in cake decorating, which later turned into a cake decorating school and two years ago a cake decorating shop. Got my shit together and no, I don't drink at all anymore. BUT now I have replaced it with FOOD!!!!
I have realized that I have to deal with all this shit in my life. I have to heal on the inside before anything will ever change. I am financially so blessed and more independent than I have ever been in my life! My life is really good in that aspect. Have great relationships with my sisters & my son. Have a few really great friends. Life could not be better... BUT.... yet again I am stuck in a relationship that is toxic! YET AGAIN I am eating my emotions away. Yet again food is my comfort!
2020 is a year of healing! Let us not ignore these things when we are creating new life styles. Let us not just work on the physical, but realize that the mental plays such a HUGE part too.
Love & Light
Lola
