AuntieJan's Notizen, 15 Sep 11

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Today was one of those days that was a roller coaster ride for me. I have been doing so well for so long and I have been extremely proud of myself, fighting the good fight and not giving up. As someone who knows the extreme depths of deep depression, I know what it looks like when that nasty monster is trying to get one up on me again. Thank God it doesn't happen often anymore.

I have been having some odd feelings the last few days and my sister's behavior hasn't helped me to feel a lot better. She is one of the most depressing people you could ever be around and I am stuck living with her. Some days all of my energy is completely devoted to countering that wall of doom and gloom with all the things I have learned in session and in dealing with my sister for 50+ years. She is not a nice person a lot of the time and she has always been jealous of me for various reasons, none of them make much sense to me.

Over the last few weeks my spirit has been soaring and my creative being charged up, running well and ready for anything, to create beauty or simply to just explore the artist I am meant to be. Along with that I have been working hard in the gym to get myself healthier and training to the best of my ability to run this 5k on Saturday. All of this positive effort on my part has not gone unnoticed by my family, both by blood and by grace, and the family at Nomad is included in that.

Judging from my sister's nasty remarks, threats and other spiteful things said and done to me today and for the last few days, I am wondering if she is angry or jealous because I am recieving so much support and positive attention. Maybe not. She is just like that sometimes.

I actually sat and cried tonight because the sadness just overwhelmed me so, this is something I haven't done for a really long time. I also realized that the bad little mind games of the past had started to creep in, causing me to question myself and chirping in my ear that I am not worthy of love, or praise, or hope. YOU ARE NOBODY it tells me, making me feel even worse. But enough about my personal pity party.

I decided to leave the house.

In years past this would have automatically meant that I would have headed straight for a bar or something similar.

Not tonight.

I got up, washed off my face, put my shoes back on, picked up my keys and left.

I drove to Nomad. I didn't go in, but I sat in the parking lot with the windows rolled down, listening to our awesome band rehearse, drawing in the positive, creative energy radiating from that building and saying a few earnest prayers as well. When they were finished with rehearsal I rolled the windows up and I came home. And now I am writing this.

The demons didn't get me this time. And if I have anything to do with it, they never will. The black hole of depression shall not suck me back into it and although at times I have fears, and doubts, each small victory like tonight's will reaffirm to myself of just how far I have come.

I will, to the best of my ability, kick tomorrow's ass.

Goodnight, and peace.

Diätkalender ansehen, 15 September 2011:

1246 kcal

Fett: 35,63g | Eiw: 73,95g | Kohlh: 121,03g. Frühstück: banana, Crunchy Granola Bars - Cinnamon, 1% Milk, coffee. Mittagessen: Crunchy Granola Bars - Cinnamon, London Broil. Abendessen: Seared Ahi Tuna (Regular). Snacks/Sonstiges: Guinness, Almond Breeze Unsweetened Milk, Elite Whey Protein. mehr...

4815 kcal

Bewegung: Painting - 3 Stunden, Gehen (Flott) - 6,5 Km/h - 1 Stunde und 30 Minuten, Dehnen (Yoga) - 5 Minuten, Hausarbeit - 1 Stunde, Krafttraining (Mäßig) - 5 Minuten, Gehen/Walken (Sportlich) - 5,5 Km/h - 35 Minuten, Ruhen - 10 Stunden und 45 Minuten, Schlafen - 7 Stunden. mehr...

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Kommentare

I too know all to well the depths of depression ,and I know what it is like to have to fight with your own mind. Sounds like you are doing some positive things to keep your head above water ,like leaving and taking a drive listening to music and cooling off ,KUDOS you did it thats great and it is a healthy start.AS someone that has struggled with depression all my life I know what it is like to have that looming cloud following you wondering if it will consume you again...It a lifelong battle but you know what we are doing the right thing by trying to fix our physical health ,because they do go hand in hand ...So chin up and be proud you are winning!!!!If you ever need a friend do not hesitate to talk to me I am a good listener.

15 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: kimzie77

You should be proud of yourself - a bar would be very tempting indeed! But, just one thought - is there any way to get your Sister the help you got for yourself?

16 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: BuffyBear

Auntie, you have come so far and you should be proud of your accomplishments..I too have a sister that sometimes makes me feel bad as she is jealous of the fact I was even born..I chalk it up because she was almost 7 when I came along...I took away from her some how..but thats another story...So when your sister gives you a hard time just remember she wishes to be you and is upset and taking it out on you...You can handle this...you much stronger than before...Sending Love and Hugs......Bren

16 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: BHA

It's so hard to be around that kind of negativity, especially on a continuous basis. You know the truth about yourself. You have done the work, and pulled yourself up out of the pit. Don't let anyone or anything take your victory away from you. You are awesome for handling things the way you did! Stay strong!! (((Hugs)))

16 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: pkgardner

I'm so proud of you! You didn't let the black hole swallow you up. It is so hard to keep that monster leashed and you did it!! You are worth it and are somebody. You, along with others here, helped me out of my black hole not too long ago. Do you see your worth? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been helped. Sending hugs.

16 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: davidsmom

Hey Madame B - an affirmation that I posted the other week really helps me - "No person, place or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind." It is very difficult when you live with someone who is continually negative, but as I have learnt, you can't change them you can only change the way to react to them. Unfortunately, your sister is jealous of you, but you have to remember that this is not your problem, but it is insecurities about herself that she needs to deal with. You are doing great, so you just keep going :)

16 Sep 11 vom Mitglied: triaby

Hi Kim, thank you for stopping by and leaving me the wonderful comments! I have journaled a lot here about my battles with depression and other things and I am always glad to meet someone that understands. The more we can support each other the better and stronger we get. Have a great day!