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20 September 2024

Good morning FS friends

Back on track (whew). Am attending an interesting "Grief Toolkit" Virtual Group. Useful information, not just regarding the grief journey but life in general. One of today's lessons involved the role of the diaphragm in deep breathing and calming anxiety. The other part of the lesson involved time travel.

We all have times where we dwell in the past, or project into the future and often doing so causes anxiety. What was made clear is that the past cannot be rewritten (unless of course you're a politician in a North American country for whom denial is a way of life) The future, although we can try to shape it, plan it, try to ensure best outcomes, fact is that it hasn't happened yet, so again, no control over what actually will happen. Certainly, plan for the best, but also be pragmatic in that not everything goes according to plan. Life is funny that way.

What we can control is the moment we are in now. So very true. I need to stop living with the "would have, should have, could haves". 19 years with John. Years I won't get back. Was there good? Oh yes. Was there awful? Oh yes. But done now. What did I learn? Face facts, see things for what they are as opposed to living with the hope that if I try hard enough, do enough, be enough that maybe the other person will see the light. Nope. Not going to happen. I have learned this through my weight loss journey as well. It wasn't until my own health was compromised that I finally woke up and decided to take making a profound change to my eating habits and exercise seriously. Nobody but me, could do that for me. Nobody but John, could deal with his alcoholism but John. To ever live with the illusion that one can lead another to change was just magical thinking.

Living in the past wrt to eating is sort of the same. So I screwed up and ate in a way that doesn't serve me well these past weeks. Done. Over. Today is another opportunity to eat well, meet macros and move. Not aiming for perfection by any stretch. Doing the best I can in the now is what matters.

The learning continues. Yes, the class was focused on managing grief, but so much applies to other aspects of life.

Over and out

(2 Kommentare)

16 September 2024

Hello FS friends

Another heat hot high day here by the Mighty Niagara River. Desperately need rain. Ground is rock hard and starting to crack. Doesn't matter how much mulch or triple mix I've added over the years, it poof, disappears into the clay.

Had the arborist here yesterday to get a quote on some tree removal. 3 pines (dead - courtesy of the pine beetle). 3 spruces (needlecast - the trees look like something out of a Charlie Brown Christmas) and an aspen (perfectly healthy tree, but a tree weed that adds no value and sends shoots up everywhere. Hate losing trees, but on the upside, I've planted a diverse mix of saplings in the past 7 years - maples (several species), oaks (same, multiple types, ginko, false cypress, tamarack, 2 kinds of spruce, beech, cedar, river birch, paw paw and hazelnut. Diversifying intentionally as it seems that when a single species gets targeted by an alien insect, presto, ones entire shade canopy is gone. This happened in my old home. 11 Ash trees in a full shade yard, decimated by the Emerald Ash Borer In fact in my old subdivision which was heavily treed, 85% of our canopy was Ash. For 2 years it sounded like a war zone with chain saws and cranes going everyday. With the canopy gone, most of us had to invest in solar shades as the AC couldn't keep up. Needless to say, my poor shade garden suffered as well.

As you can tell by today's weigh in, not a great week. Too much eating out, not enough diligence as to what I was eating. Didn't help that I found a pint of chocolate hazelnut ice cream buried in the freezer and ate it. All of it. Freezer burnt, but didn't care. (Bad Ann)

Whoever said that grieving with caloric and carb restrictions were a favourable combination? Nobody ever. Carbs numb, carbs soothe. Add in me the food addict into the equation? Bad mix. That being said, the self soothing has to stop. Nothing about the situation has changed. John remains dead, my day to day needs to be rebuilt and I'd much rather do so as this physically healthier me. Still want to live my best healthiest life going forward, and this will take effort on my part.

Over and out

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
70,9 kg	48,8 kg	7,4 kg	Schlecht

(6 Kommentare) Zunahme von 0,9 kg pro Woche

13 September 2024

Good morning FS friends,

A better day today (so far). It's weird how you can wake up and just know that you are a little bit mentally stronger. It's not as if I don't wake up each day and immediately realise that my world has changed profoundly so it isn't that. Need to find some self talk that can snap me out of the gloomies on those days where the mindset isn't optimal.

Took the littles for their morning W.A.L.K. Had a failure of poop bag, A biodegradable one that decided to biodegrade in my pocket. When dog number 2 eliminated, picked that up with another bag, put it in my pocket, withdrew my hand and you guessed it....covered with the brown stuff. Wiped my hand off on my tshirt. We carried on with our W.A.L.K. but eventually the stench and mess got to me, so we headed back home. Thank heavens the rec trail is quiet in the morning else folk would be wondering who is this lunatic smeared with s&*t

Washed the harnesses, washed the leashes, washed my pants and pocket, washed me and am now starting the day in clean clothes.

Yesterday I went through my past journals on FS. I was struck by how ambivalent I was regarding my relationship with John. It's hard when you love someone, but have fear of how their behaviour can so quickly destroy trust. Also discovered that alot of what I mentioned along the way, John was there in the background. The visitors that came here were his family, the boat I bought, he picked (boat now gone as of a week ago). Most of the pictures of meals were cooked by him.

It seems that the turning point in our relationship began when he got sick last November. Even though he was a constant presence in my life, emotionally I had kept up a small barrier in a vain attempt to protect myself from hurt.I became fully vested in us again, and with his work situation on hold, he was physically here all the time unless I sent him home so I could get some painting done. I guess this was how it was meant to play out.

I suppose sometimes the Universe gives us what we need (not what we want). In his case, he was not meant to die alone, but rather here by the Mighty Niagara River in the arms of the person who loved him. My need in this case was met by being with him as he passed, and the knowledge that he did not die alone. One of the main reasons I do end of life palliative care is that I don't believe that anybody should ever die alone and certainly not someone who had such a big place in my life.

And so it goes

Over and out

(3 Kommentare)

12 September 2024

Good morning FS friends

So yesterday was one of those emotional/chapter closing days. John's half brother came by as we had a couple of ash rituals to complete. One was to wade into the Mighty Niagara River and release ashes into the current (I'd only done so from the shores). It wasn't something that I was going to do alone in case I got caught up in the current. He's a scuba diver, so a strong swimmer (as am I) and we buddied up, I felt safe. Part 2 of the ash release was to bury some near the two trees that John and I planted for him in 2018. (all of the various species of trees I've planted here have people associated with them) John loved False Cypress aka Weeping Knootka. Thought those trees were goners as I didn't know to burlap them over winter that first year. The deer ate most of the greenery and these poor things were almost denuded of foliage. Thought I'd leave them be, give them some triple mix and they have recovered albeit slowly. They're back to the state they were in in 2018. And so some of John is now buried at the base of these trees. Will cover the trees with burlap going forward as I've done every year since the deer first got to them. Fingers crossed that they thrive. Once they reach a certain size, the deer will leave them alone.

The last hard part of yesterday was sending off John's pork and beef ribs that were in the freezer. I had an aversion to ribs for years. In November 1997 my partner Paul and I had set ribs in the oven, then crossed the road to shoot some pool. Whilst there, Paul collapsed and was taken to hospital. I went home, turned off the ribs and went to the hospital. Initially I thought that it was a diabetic low, but orange juice and glucagon didn't fix the situation. Found out when I got to the hospital that he'd had a brain aneurysm (same thing my dad had and passed suddenly from in 1995) Paul was moved to another hospital in downtown Toronto as it was his wish to be an organ donor, and I followed. Was there for 4 days in ICU with him. When he was intubated the first hospital had done so incorrectly which resulted in hiccups (apparently an indication of brain life). Day 4, my SweetPea was taken off the ventilator and died. His organs could not be donated sadly.
It was during that period that my aversion to ribs began.

It took years and years for John to convince me to try his ribs (Pauls were saucy, Johns were dry rub, seared on the BBQ then slow baked in the oven). In looking through the deep freeze the other day, there were 3 racks of ribs waiting to be cooked, John's handwriting on the packages. Cannot bear it. My rib days are done. Gave them to John's brother yesterday.

And so I have lost the 3 men I've loved most, dad (age 67), Paul (age 45) and now John (age 63). All of them suddenly.

I wonder whether the underlying cause of the depth of my grief is a result of cumulative losses? Add in the loss of my mom in 2015 (cancer) and my dear friend and physical rehab partner Mike (cancer) in 2019. Maybe. Perhaps it is the knowledge that there is nobody left who knows me or is as connected to me as my lost loved ones were. Being an orphan is not fun.

Anyways, a new day begins and need to take my little ones for their morning walk.

Over and out

(2 Kommentare)

09 September 2024

Morning FS friends

Still muddling along. Figured I'd update last weeks weigh in no matter how ugly it was. Avoiding doing so doesn't change the result. This weeks is a bit better.

Would love to say I'm staying on track, but that's not the case at all. Finding now that it's getting dark earlier, evenings stretch like an eternity. Going to bed at 8PM isn't an option though much as it calls to me 24/7.

Am fighting with carbs and peanut butter still. Much as I think I've got a handle on things, I find that I don't. 60 years of turning to food for comfort especially now, is a really hard behaviour to break. Am I hungry? No. Empty? Yes. It is a vast soul emptiness, one devoid of anything remotely resembling joy, purpose, future plans, hopes and dreams that is my life at the moment. I've always lived a purpose driven life so limbo is a weird place to be until I find purpose (and the will to execute it) again. Almost a case of hurry up and wait...but for what? This bleakness needs to be overcome. Thanks to my the furbabies for providing structure to my days. Dreading winter though as both the furries and I benefit from our daily walks.

It would likely be a bit easier if I had any family, or even a social network or a job. But I don't. Where retirement was full of opportunities and plans it now looms ahead - alone and adrift. Not stable enough at the moment to volunteer either as tears come unprovoked and the last thing seniors in long term care need is a middle aged woman bawling.

Suck it up buttercup.

This too will pass.

Rebuild, learn, grow, adapt.

One day at a time.

PS Morticia, still need to post pics of my two ancient cats. Mayhaps soon.

Over and out

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
70,0 kg	49,7 kg	6,5 kg	Schlecht

(2 Kommentare) Verlust von 1,0 kg pro Woche

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