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20 Mai 2011

Feeling better today. I got to see him yesterday and we made love for perhaps the last time. I convinced him I had a rain check on it as last wednesday he drove me through an hour of traffic that normally takes 20 min at best-- for intentions to have some time for fun. And he couldnt stay. Because traffic took too long.. It was nice to feel loved by him even if for a half hour. I got to take some pis of us. I didn't do that enough. There is so much I want to do with him that I didn't get to do. I know that his reasoning is good. Because it is for his son that is why he is trying. He wants to be there to protect his son. And he cannot leave her without a clear conscience unless he knows he gave it his all. He said he needs to make sure things are truely dead between them before it can be our time. Which hurts but I KNOW he still loves me like has never loved anyone and likely always will and I will do my best to not get bitter about him. Because I havent ever loved like this before. And I still want to love him no matter what. I have never given so much of myself to someone that I thought I would break but realized I am stronger and I can give more. And I have learned more than I can say. So now I need to learn to love him even if he ends up not with me. And then eventually maybe I can learn a new love with someone else. I hope I don't have to. I hope we can just keep growing our love after this break. Because even though it has been tough. I know if we get a chance to be together it will be better than any word can describe. I know it.

In either case my next tattoo is planned. We will finish the bird tattoo in september. On the 4th anniversary of what would have been our first childs due date. We were waiting to get the tatoo until we were ready to have a child on purpose. And I made a promise to myself i would stick it out after giving up the option for the first child. Which is never something I thought I would do, ever. I intend to keep that promise until he tells me it is no longer an option with him and him being there for that tattoo should help me let go of that promise that I didn't break it but tried harder than I thought I would have to or ever could. And if by chance things work in my favor then while it wouldnt happen right away, i know it is ok that it will happen because he knows he can devote himself too me and not feel bad about not trying to work things out with her.

(i know i sound silly, but i am ok with it)

I am trying not to regret so much.

So far the only good thing that is happening is I no longer feel hungry. I am forcing myself to eat. Hence weight loss. That and lots of water drinking to keep myself hydrated from all these tears.

Getting my last wisdom tooth out today. Trying not to be anxious. I went to the gym this morning. Something new for me. It was nice. I only cried a little. I knew I would because music always makes me think of him. I love him. So much.

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
118,9 kg	34,8 kg	0 kg	Recht gut

Kommentar hinzufügen Verlust von 3,2 kg pro Woche

19 Mai 2011

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
119,4 kg	34,4 kg	0 kg	Recht gut

Kommentar hinzufügen Verlust von 8,9 kg pro Woche

18 Mai 2011

I am on a break I guess. I begged for him not to give up on us but it is so complicated and i don't even want to get into it here. He is scared and i guess i am not good at comforting that fear that he thinks us not being together will help that fear go away. I am not ok. we were getting into finally him leaving his son's mother we had plans of him moving in this fall and I have been waiting 5 years. nearly. i don't know what to look forward to anymore. He is the part of my life that made me most happy.

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
120,7 kg	33,1 kg	0 kg	Recht gut

(2 Kommentare) Verlust von 7,6 kg pro Woche

16 Mai 2011

Things aren't going so well but, at least trying to be better.. One good thing is that last week I ran a mile in 12min 56seconds. Yeah.. really the only reason it was that fast is because it was with my Dad and he was pushing me. I felt really faintish afterwards but just kept walking until the faintish feeling went away. Tonight hoping to get to the gym after I swap cable boxes (downgrading. yo.) So hopefully.. I can be better. The problem is the night eating is what gets me. Neeed to think of something yummy and snacky but very little calories. To help get me back on the not eating after 7p or so track.

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
122,8 kg	30,9 kg	0 kg	Schlecht

Kommentar hinzufügen Zunahme von 0,4 kg pro Woche

11 Mai 2011

So I am the highest I have been for a long while. 270. Not good. It is hard to believe that just this past saturday I sat at 262.. I was going down. My period stopped yesterday that should help. I feel like I am never going to get to 90 lbs. Heck I still have to get back to 80 lbs lost. Hopefully it comes off like it did last month. And the month before. Why must I keep gaining back.

I am looking to step it up at the gym again. Right now I have been running between 1 and 2 miles (well run/walking) I need to work the Elliptical back in even though it bores me and kills my knees. And I must start doing some strength training. I am also wanting to do the 30 day shred again. Must be careful not to injur myself this time.

As for diet, Just staying with in my calories would be awesome. I am always hungry lately. I know I could live off of salads if I had the right fixens so going to work on keeping healthy stuff stalked up again. Stop buying cereal and things I easily binge on.

Oh today is my friday! I took off tomorrow. Tomorrow I am running my first offical 1 miler. Heh. it's little if I am lucky I will run half of it. we will see. I don't want to dissappoint my parents. And friday new hair. Before and after photos to follow!

(1 Kommentar)

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