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24 Dezember 2019

put on 10 pounds. partially stress, partially trying new meds and a good % of work related stress :( am going to work harder to eat right and get back on track.

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
86,2 kg	21,8 kg	22,7 kg	Nicht zutreffend

(2 Kommentare) Zunahme von 0,3 kg pro Woche

10 September 2019

First time weighing in for a while. took a long time to get my courage up to do it.
am pleased that I'm down, rather than up, and I hope to continue that trend.

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
82,1 kg	25,9 kg	18,6 kg	Recht gut

Kommentar hinzufügen Verlust von 0,0 kg pro Woche

11 Juni 2019

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
82,6 kg	25,4 kg	19,1 kg	Recht gut

Kommentar hinzufügen Verlust von 1,7 kg pro Woche

27 Mai 2019

Gewicht:	Bisher verloren:	Still to go:	Diät befolgt:
86,2 kg	21,8 kg	22,7 kg	Nicht zutreffend

Kommentar hinzufügen Zunahme von 0,6 kg pro Woche

26 Mai 2019

This is a long, rambling post. Talking about a lot of things.
I haven't weighed myself for a while now. Been putting it off because I feel like I am yo-yoing right now (or for the past two months anyway). I need to go on tuesday and weigh myself and take my BP. I have a physical middle of next month, when I'll see my gp. Because of her personality I know that the first things she'll complain about with me are my weigh and BP. The BP is being managed with a med, and is pretty good. This might be because of the weight loss but I doubt it. So I'll give her the list of my BP monitoring (I take my bp and write it down) and see what she decides to do with that. Probably leave it as it is.

The other things I know will be issues are my weight and my blood-sugar/ pre-diabetic state. The last time I was in for a visit she checked my fasting blood sugar and it was high enough to be pre-diabetic but just a hair below diabetic. I expect that despite my weight-loss and trying to eat better (fail miserably due to dietary concerns and of course, finances)I will either still be at that level or (more likely) I am now diabetic.

When you're over-weight it's hard to tell if when you are suffering from malnutrition the slowness of your body to heal is because of the lack of necessary nutrients or because of being diabetic. And Yes, I know. I know having untreated diabetes can be dangerous and even fatal. I know. But it's only recently that I have been able to contemplate having that diagnosis pinned on me and how much it depresses me (on top of my chronic depression and the major depressive episodes that I have more often than I used to). Sometimes it feels like the lesser of the evils when my brain is just looking for the last straw to call it quits and get the job done. That might sound facetious, and stupid, but let me assure you--finding reasons to hold on even when you are in treatment for depression and anxiety is one of the biggest challenges I've faced so far (and I've been homeless, domestically abused and other things that challenged me through life).

The past two months have been especially difficult. I don't know if that was due to even worse nutrition, the inability to find a job (still), the weather, my other half's constant state of anxiety and being pissy so walking on eggshells with that, stress because the cats need care and it's not in the cards, me fighting an ongoing battle with my insurance about a dentist visit from march that they refuse to cover and going back and forth between them, the dentist's billing office, and doing my best not to binge et (which thank you for creating an off-label use for a med that helps with that by about 97%). But I have been bingeing, and of course, it's with the cheapest thing around (bread, which I get at the local food pantry). I LOVE bread. Bread does not love me, and I bloat up, get all kinds of yucky and after eliminating it and dairy I find that I have gluten and lactose intolerance. But bread, and binge eating it, is addictive. It isn't like I plan on eating a whole loaf...usually. Sometimes mentally shit IS just that bad, and as screwed up as it is I will take the loaf and just sit down and eat it piece after piece after piece. Like somehow it makes me feel better. But then, of course, it doesn't. It makes me feel super ill (worse than if I binged on something like candy, which still makes me feel like crap and physically crappy, but not anywhere near as bad as bread).

Anyway, last month was spent almost entirely in a major depressive episode. Those words don't convey what they are like for me, but let's just say not a lot of fun, I'm difficult to be around, my concentration is zip, my people skills suffer, and life is miserable. Believe me, I know, even when I'm in one, that life isn't really miserable, it's just my body chemistry and brain messing with me, but knowing that doesn't help change the reality that I experience.
There were a lot of times that I considered and weighed what I had in my life versus what it would be if I quit. And despite my husband, my friends and my hobbies, it was a very hard fight. As per usual the thing that always pulls life ahead of death is my cats, and the fact that I love them, and although my husband loves them he doesn't understand all of their personalities and why they do things a certain way (and then will change that way without any warning) and how to cater to those changes so that everyone continues to eat, play and be relatively happy. Their care was what kept me in there, and throughout my life it has always been my cats (not this group since I'm older and the originals have long passed over). Don't know what that says about me.
The MDE lasted well into this month. Earlier this month I reached the low that I have dreaded for a long, long, time. I began cutting again because I felt so utterly trapped in the depressive cycle, and that no matter what I did or tried I felt so disconnected and unable to deal with the stress, the constant anxiety attacks, and being so unhappy even when I knew I had so much to be grateful for, and that I could enjoy if I could just cope.

Prior to this month, the last time I cut myself was in 2010. I had felt until this month that I was doing so well with not pushing myself into that headspace. But, to be brutally honest, it served its purpose. It helped. And I haven't done it again since then, which is good.

All in all I guess things are just things and maybe my weight and BP and possibly diabetic state aren't the biggest issues. Maybe they are. I do know that I can see my collar bones in the mirror for the first time ever which is weird, because we're not talking about sticking out or anything, but I've never been thin enough to not have a thick layer of fat over them. For me, that's the only visible sign I've been able to recognize as weight-loss. I know I have lost weight, but I can't see a difference anywhere in my body (not my face, not my chest, not my hips, belly etc. I can't see it. My husband says he can, and I know that some clothes are looser, and I've had to take in my bras so that they are tight enough for the support aspect. That says that logically I've lost some weight, but I'm still so fat that I can't see it/feel it.

I dunno. Losing weight is supposed to be something that people can see. Why can't I see it? Why won't my eyes see it? It's disheartening to exercise and go walking and to see the scales move but not see a real, physical difference. It makes me wonder exactly how much weight I'll need to drop before it's visible (not just the slightly visible collar bones).

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